Death: Just Beat It!

The deaths of Micheal Jackson, aged 50, and Farrah Fawcett, aged 62 today has forced me to look at some things in my own life in ways that I would prefer not to.

Jackson had chronic health problems and it's been speculated that it contributed to the weakening of his heart. Farrah of course had Cancer and even though she battled valiantly, it ultimately won.

I've had Cancer. I have ongoing chronic health problems. I take approx. 15 different kinds of medications daily. I know that having done this for over 10 years now, it has to be affecting my liver and other organ functions. I've had heart work-ups because of chronic chest pain and it's scary as hell. Two years ago I had an angio-gram; not fun. So far, the heart looks fine, but my husband's mother went through her heart work-up five years ago, got a pristine bill of health and dropped dead from a massive heart attack two weeks later.

I'm scared. I want to be here for my child's college graduation, for his wedding, to hold his babies; and I'm so afraid that I won't be. I want desperately to not have to take so much medication just to function semi-normally. I've spent lots of time and lots of money looking into alternative therapies for all of my conditions, and there is only so much they can do quite frankly. Western medicine may fall short, and it may even be dangerous at times, but sometimes, in certain situations, it's the only thing there is.

My point...and I think I have one, is I've been staring down my own mortality today: again. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time, but I've been thinking about the fact that Micheal was only a few years older than I am right now when he went today.

Sometimes the universe leans over and biffs us upside our stupid heads to get our attention. My attention is rapt: I'm focused and thinking hard about how I'd like to live a lot longer than I might if I continue on the path I am currently on.

I don't drink alcohol (because of medical reasons, not because I don't want to!) I don't smoke, don't do drugs--outside of the handfuls of RX's I gulp down each day--and I eat really well compared to most of my fellow countrymen and women. However, I am chronically ill, weak, ill-exercised, out of shape, and FAT. These are all bad things, a few of which I can change.

Even though I have been working on things, I need to do even more and with a greater sense of urgency. If I died suddenly and the docs said "If only she hadn't been overweight and out of shape she could maybe have survived this___________(fill in the blank)" my son might never forgive me for missing the parts of his life he would have wanted to share with his mother. My sister would be pissed too I'm sure, and my husband, well, he'd not miss my nagging about the bathroom tiles, but I know it would take a long long time for him to feel whole again and that makes me sad also.

So for all of them, and to make the rest of my days as comfortable and pleasing as possible, I must continue on this journey I'm on, and I must add exercise and a re-newed committment to better health, and I must get there as quickly as possible.

Farrah ~ I remember both of my little brother's being completely obsessed with you. Your poster was in their room for years. You were a part of the glam '70s scene and my favorite Angel. R.I.P.

Micheal ~ Even though your later years were a mish-mash of odd weirdness, your early musical work was inspirational and a very big part of my life as a teen and young adult. R.I.P.